To know yourself, is to think for yourself.

Written by Lisa

If there’s one thing I’ve learned over my years as a human, a big personal development fan and from speaking with people on a deep level it’s this; in one way we are absolutely and completely unique creatures, and in another way, we are devastatingly all the same!

I say this to assure you friends, that any internal debacles you are struggling with, you can bet your house on it that you are far from the only one experiencing them.

My articles are based on either my thoughts, my own personal experiences or my learnings. I am not claiming to be an expert of any kind. I am merely an observer and an emotion story teller, with hopes to inspire much needed change.

The topic of Self is huge to tackle, so I’m going to do my best to keep it tight and to the point! The connection with Self.

‘I don’t know who I am’ and ‘I keep losing myself.’ These are two statements I’ve heard people say, a lot. I’ve said them myself at various stages in my life, as I described in my last article.

We go through a critical developmental process between the ages of 3 – 8 years old. It is during this stage we develop awareness of ourselves. We become aware. We don’t stop there though. We continue to grow up, taking in and filtering through to our subconscious what we believe to be true, about the world and of ourselves. Adopting a lot of our beliefs from influential people around us such as our parents, teachers, friends and other people we hold in high regard etc.

Now, for various reasons throughout our lives the concept-of-self process can be disrupted, and as a result a ‘loose connection’ from Self may occur (actually it often does).

Okay, so why would this ‘loose connection’ occur?

What does it even mean to lose yourself in the first place? This is one of those elusive questions. So I’ll answer it with what I believe to be true.

Socrates, a famous Greek Philosopher once said – “To find yourself, you have to think for yourself.”

It’s most likely if you keep losing yourself, you are dis-empowering yourself on a regular basis in some shape or form. Knowingly or unknowingly. Boiling it right down, we shall refer to this dis-empowerment as, giving away your power. Every time you give your power away, you further loosen that precious connection.

Here’s some classic examples of what contributes to giving your power away:

·       Every time you say yes when you really want to say no. This is giving your power away.

·       Every time you over explain yourself to someone. This is giving your power away.

·       Every time you go to the wrong person and over divulge your personal life. This is giving your power away.

·       Every time you seek some ones else opinion over your own. (My personal go to and working on it always!) This is giving your power away.

·       Every time you choose not to do something for fear of what other people will think of you. This is giving your power away.

There are probably a million other ways people dis-empowerment themselves, but fundamentally the more external validation you seek instead of trusting your internal voice, the bigger the wedge you drive between you and your Self. Any one of these done repeatedly, equals depletion and sometimes obliteration of Self.

Riiiight, so how can I have a strong connection with myself?

Okay, so imagine for a second your ‘connection’ to look like a muscle in your body, and hold that image.

Like any muscle, in order for it to be healthy and strong you need to exercise it, right? You don’t go to the gym once, do a few deadlifts and that’s it (God if only!). You have to work out most days in order to keep the strength you’ve built. Well it’s exactly the same principle here. The reason people might continue to lose themselves is because they forget to hit the ‘gym’. That’s ok. Totally fixable! And never too late to go back!

But to be fair, like starting back in the gym again, it can be hard and painful to reintroduce into your life, but the more you do it, the easier it gets.

Here’s something to think about – what is your ‘disempowerment move’? (sounds fancy!). When you identify it (or them!) start being aware of when you find yourself doing it/them. Notice how you feel now every time and if that feeling is not good, it’s time to think about turning that ship around and sailing back towards your Self.

Be gentle with yourself as you start to change. Some days you will feel like a warrior, some days you will wish you were a warrior. But that’s life, we’ll never get it perfect, we’re not built to!

Here’s a few questions that might help kick start your journey. Observing yourself through your compassionate and watchful eyes, and with your new awareness ask:

1.     Where in your life are you giving your power away?

2.     What would it mean to your life if you were to do it less?

3.      Is there anything you need to put in place to help you, as you start to do it less? In other words, how can you set yourself up to win?

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Much love,

Lisa x

 

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Comparison is the thief of Motherhood

I’m 6 months in and I have NEVER compared myself to others as much as I have done in the last 6 months.

This person is flying it…. That person’s baby sleeps like a dream…. That girl over there has this nailed…..

Why is that?

I’ve learnt about motherhood from a sociological perspective but now I’m living it and holy shit balls. Learning about something and living it – two very different things. I obviously know that. But now I knoooow that.

Half the time I feel like what I suspect Alice must have felt like when she fell down that rabbit hole. However, if you follow that story through, she had a pretty wild adventure. And I relate to that too.

But so where the does all this comparison come from?

Dr. Sophie Brock, a sociologist in Motherhood Studies says “We have been conditioned to internalise the patriarchal, social and cultural beliefs around what it means to be a good mother.” The Perfect Mother Myth.

These beliefs are deeply, deeply ingrained in our society and are basically unhelpful rules we as mothers must adhere to in order to be considered, and consider ourselves, to be good mothers. This is big stuff.

Further to that she states “comparison can be a way to berate ourselves into being a better mother.” Ah. Clever.

‘It’s not necessarily the comparing thought that’s the issue, but rather the feeling of guilt and shame that follows’. – right. And no better way to ensure compliance. Guilt and shame are long used forms of social control.

Motherhood – it’s an extremely loud arena. And as new mum, who like us all is learning daily on the bounce, it has been harder to drown out the noise than I ever expected.

Okay, so what can we do about this comparison then?

First, we must recognise that we cannot resist what we cannot see.

So, grab a pen and paper and write down:

1. What do you currently believe you should be doing in order to consider yourself a good enough mum.
2. Challenge any thoughts that are creating shame or any feelings of not good enoughness. Where do those thoughts or images come from?
3. Could you then create your own image of what a happy, content and good enough mother is?

My intention for 2022 is rebuild what my own beliefs are around all this.

I don’t think it’ll happen overnight but what I wish for me as a new mum, and all the mums out there, is to mother my little love like no-ones watching.

Lisa xx

The antidote to mom guilt

Mom guilt   Mom guilt. I think it’s fair to say that most women have heard this term. But what is it and why does it happen? Research shows that mom guilt tends to happen most when a mother has aligned herself closely to the Perfect Mother Myth. Briefly, the...

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